‘Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ Season 2, Episode 7

Can you believe in the year of our Lort 2021, there are still people who think that reality TV is something for dummies? First off, there’s some squidward energy in hating stupid things as a personality trait (no surprise my guy doesn’t have friends). Second, it’s almost impossible to escape the industrial complex of reality television unless we’re talking about going to the mountains and filling up Little House on the Prairie. We’re there – you might as well sit back and enjoy the dystopia of it all. Plus, that sentient silicon implant of a program is constantly expanding my dusty little thing. Is the old brain rotting more and more every day? Ah, of course. But am I more familiar with Catholic doctrine, ovarian health, the Utah law, and the etymology of the word “Brumski” than I was an hour ago? You bet.

We’re about to get down to business when Whitney calls the girls over to take them all out for a day of tubing. Notably (or not – no matter how much Mary hates the outdoors, she hates not having that bravo check anymore) everyone agrees to go. Even Angie, who’s in the Barlow kennel. Or is Lisa in the Angie dog house? Everyone is in dog houses! Because in this television show, injustice and accusation are both hurtful situations.

There’s only one early-episode clipsicle this week, but it’s off the rails enough to count at least four instances of Mary talking to Saran Wrap or chatting about her haunted closet. Lisa picks up the younger Spawn Henry from school. A “Where do you want to eat baby, darling?” They later get Starbucks for aperitif, Wendy’s for lunch, and Bahama Bucks for dessert because Lisa grew up a little bit of cereal and this is her version of “grown-up”. Every time someone says “adult” out loud, an angel loses its wings, and I’m pretty sure Lisa is the number one angel killer in heaven. Henry explains a difficult situation to a school friend and Lisa suggests they organize a meeting place to make peace, then asks him which parent he likes better while she presents a cake pop. It looks like Lisa is expanding her empire with a Bravo Reunion-inspired parenting book – What to Expect When Expecting Your Child to Be Your Arch Enemy on TV (Now With New Guide to Receipt Making, Plotting, and Easy Bribery! ).

Over in the oyster bar, Jennie sits down with Jessi’s vagina from Big Mouth. Oh wait, I wasn’t wearing my glasses. It’s her shit of a husband wearing a cowl neck sweater and a bucket full of nonsense. Before we get into the sistering of it, did you guys see all the details of Jennie’s alleged niece? Whether Jennie / Duy are all real, all fake, or somewhere in between, there are some wild things out there. For me, the biggest plot hole here is Catholicism. Duy is catholic enough that Jennie had to convert for him! I’m not a Catholic scholar and just did a cursory fact check here (fun fact – the time between myself and reading this episode is shorter than Jen Shah’s temperament), but several signs suggest polygamy is a no-go. However, Duy insists that both her priest and the state of Utah will have no problem with it, which is at least partially true.

Anyway, Jennie is not into sister-wife business and raises a number of legitimate logistical questions. “Do something you don’t want to do, sound like an extended drive to the DMV for the person who wants to do it” to save in my case pocket for a rainy day. Duy also explains that he has a polygamous patient with five wives and 40 children, all of whom are “phenomenal” and are “in college.” Mr! I encourage you to do the math here because I’ve made some exploratory numbers and that’s $ 4,057,920 just for tuition in average schools without a degree. Food not included, not including the first 18 years of spending. This is not money for chiropractors. This is massive telemarketing scam money that has already turned out to be a bad idea. Duy also says there is nothing wrong with him trying to fill his trauma hole with polygamy and he doesn’t need the therapy Jennie suggests, but maybe he thinks about it. Everything about this plot continues to be a big old hoop for everyone involved!

Speaking of yikes, Seth Marks is still a Tom Ford sweater filled with nothing but hot air and six pockets of boob jokes roughly sculpted into a human shape. But Meredith seems genuinely interested while they talk about buying real estate and the communication skills they learned from their discrimination therapist. A whole therapist whose only job is to decide whether or not you should stay married? Maybe there is room in her diary for Jennie and Duy! Unfortunately, Meredith is tired of talking to her children about what Seth calls “minutiae,” and he promises to help her with nothing but his naked masculine form. Again it seems to be in there, so who should I judge?

In other parenting news, Heather throws a joint birthday party for Beauty Lab # 2 and five babies named Gray, KJ, Russell, Remy, and Van. Angie, Whitney and Jen show up too, because where else is Whitney going to be so proud of herself for “figuring out Lisa’s trap and taking control?” In addition, Angie can be fed by Whitney with a pile of fireball and “loosen up her aura”. She pukes everything up, which is the only correct reaction. The body holds the score, baby.

It’s finally time for the hose. Also on the agenda? Learn more. Mary tells us that the goal is “two hours away, that’s 60 minutes, twice”. Pythagoras, watch out! It also gives anyone a boost in the ovarian-hardening power of carbon dioxide. Lisa says: “I have to google that, is that so?” and oh boy. Mary doesn’t like that answer. It’s a mess. They face each other, Mary says Lisa is condescending because she’s black, Lisa vaguely threatens her, Mary says Lisa is too sensitive, Lisa says Mary is too sensitive. Then Jennie steps in, Mary tells her to stop swearing, and we kind of end up with “You’re not my mother!” The whole situation feels like going to the bathroom at a high school football game with all the popular girls jumping on Bacardi razz and attention and fighting for nothing for the sake of nothing.

After a few runs on the slopes and a contest where Heather’s aerodynamic coaching turns out to be a flop, the women sit down for some chicken salad wraps and some screaming. Lisa and Mary are easily making it up to you because gynecologist / mathematician / gastroenterologist Mary has already stated that the only way to have daily bowel movements is to stay on track. (Remember, “If Mary says something, it’s facts.” Googling is not allowed – fire your gastroenterologist and make the asshole feel regular at last.)

Then Angie tries to get Lisa to leave the caterer drama behind for their 20-year relationship. I kind of passed out when Lisa talked about “clean slate 2022 Whitney,” but I immediately came to the conclusion when she yelled, “MY GRANDFATHER WAS GAY. THIS IS A BIG AFFAIR FOR ME, THAT SOMEONE CLAIMS ME SABOTATE SOMETHING THAT SUPPORTS A COMMUNITY I LOVE. ”Angie comforts Lisa and that may be the end.

Jennie claimed she wasn’t afraid of confrontation, which made it even wilder to see her yell at Mary in weird hypothetical ways while looking directly at Heather. If you want to deliver the exact talk of The Godfather, that you come to you on the day of your daughter’s death, you have to look your audience straight in the eyes. And why is Jennie on that tubing tour when this is clearly such a big day for her and Duy? Like Duy mentioned this date no less than 347 times. Someone asks the TikTok niece about it. Nonetheless, the girls share their condolences and Meredith suggests that they all shoot.

See you next week for an intimate Barlow event that promises some Cosby cult whistleblowing activities ?! With Jesus bated breath, we wait.

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