Bravo knows exactly what they’re doing. They all say, “Oh, do you want to see criMe $ ?! Here are some suspected criminals … who … do something … “And my stupid ass falls for it over and over again. You put Jen, Stu, and a computer in the same room and suddenly I hit the pause button and notice every word like the federal authorities are summoning my google doc because surely a public information transcription with 47 bonus links to Jack Barlow’s wardrobe items on Grailed will be the smoking weapon in this federal fraud case. And every time they don’t give us anything. Stuart says, “I’m doing more than we thought, I’m adding more people, I just need to get the second passport.” As if this man could easily talk about getting a little thirsty for his IG story and monitoring the reaction of the list of close friends. It is the definition of “nothing”. The stale breadcrumbs flavored with Diet Coke keep falling in front of us, and we snap them up like a bunch of neglected little birds.
But back to the Elder Brood Barlow. He “came to Lisa with an idea” and “curated a guest list” for a special occasion. It’s both a Fresh Wolf ad and a Utah Foster Care perk, because according to Jack, his dad was bought off the shelf in Costco’s Foster Care department, which is just past the three-gallon drums of peanut butter pretzels, but before you too the kiosk for HVAC installations. Terrible choices in terms of glasses and vocabulary aside, it’s bizarrely cute, and thanks to a ridiculously low bar, is John Barlow a solid contender for the best househusband of this franchise? Keep it up baby And by “good work,” I mean you shut up and your personality tastes exactly like a low-sodium triscuit.
We’re back at La Trattoria Di Francesco this week, and at this point I wonder if there’s actually a feud with Valter. Or maybe the trattoria is simply the only Italian restaurant in town that can still stand the rabble. Valter said, “Honey, I don’t care about the free press. I can’t stand idly while Mary tells everyone that ceviche revives your stomach lining and creates a whole ass family in it. This is the hill I want to die on. ”Because disguised as Filene’s Basement Esmerelda from the 1996 Disney adaptation of the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Mary does just that. After the salmon situation, she continues to lose her grip and explains to Heather and Whitney that Lisa’s questions triggers her. What triggers it, you ask? Oh, exactly the exact feelings she had when her mother questioned her about trying to marry Said’s (crotch?) Father because “it was GOD’S WILL.” Heather and Whitney made an Oscar-worthy appearance asking if Mary thinks she can break up with her mother (who might be her stepdaughter now?) Or Lisa.
Over at the Fresh Wolf photoshoot, things are similarly out of joint when Lisa sits down with Jen to feast on some grapes and pluck the scabs of her verbal allegations of assault. In case you forgot, wire fraud and money laundering are still the main course, but the appetite stimulator was when someone leaked audio of Jen berating her dress designer. Instead of clarifying the situation, Jen yells at Lisa that it was all planned that way. Lisa then dumps fuel on the fire and poses about Whitney sending the dress designer “presents” in the form of Iris + Beau PR packages. The judges are not yet sure if Lisa is sneaky enough to use this situation as an attempt to make her grooming line look better than Whitney’s grooming line. However, the jury is at least fairly certain that verbal assaults are not a crime in the state of Utah, unless there is a risk of personal injury, significant property damage, or death. (The jury in both cases is me and my law degree from watching this Alexandra Cabot fancam.)
Aside, Whitney hasn’t spoken to her father in six months. She meets with her brother Will and shares how her father took care of the children. She asked him to leave and has not seen or spoken to him since. It was the first time she had stood up to him, and she is currently hurt that he was still hanging out with Will when she was the only one who conveyed peace and stayed by his side for years of active addiction. That sounds really hard to everyone involved, and I could write 2500 words about how addiction stories add some level of truth to these silly little TV programs and completely undermine the “reality” that producers believe they create … but we do should probably come back to the penis ring throw or whatever.
Because Jen actually shows up at Heather’s sporty Joanne x K-Mart Easter Bunny with a bunch of bachelorette parties in tow. They talked about Heather’s dating life (give us more of that!), Plans for a group trip to Vail (finally !!), and Lisa as a manipulator (ugh, whatever). Heather makes a valid point that it’s interrrrrrresting. Lisa tried to convince Jen that Whitney is a bad friend while taking Whitney (but not Jen) over to her beard oil / grooming gala. When she realizes the cause is Gala-d, Jen loses her shit.
I’m literally questioning shit losing here because it’s a wild ride. Jen: “Are you kidding me? Is this for foster families? My aunt adopted two foster children? It’s super hurtful. She knows all of that. I’m so tired of trusting people and being ripped off. ”Unless you’re invited to a 30-person day meeting with half of the guests wearing mirrored sunglasses inside, it’s a messed up breach of trust, I can’t wait to see Jen think about federal informants and plea bargains!
Back to the Pomade Foster Barn event, honestly who cares? Our new buddy Cameron Williams is about to reveal some details about the Cosby family. Thanks to a perfectly timed Barlow family photo, Meredith and Cameron have some small talk that instantly turns into the most ominous shit I’ve ever seen. Cameron says he used to be at Mary’s Church but “luckily he’s out of this situation” because “Mary and her husband did some things that were very harmful”. Meredith is confused because she loves Mary and Cameron says, “Me too; Mary and I were very close, just be careful. “Meredith continues, explaining how great she felt in church, like Cameron is,” because it was your first time. Stay close and you will find out. ”Then he goes into how he attended for seven years and the truth was revealed and he couldn’t stick with that truth, but still … have to go, be careful, bye !
How does he choose his words? SECRET. The way the whole conversation is more or less a distraction from that one scene in Pirates of the Caribbean? CURSED. The way Meredith’s face shows emotion for the first time in two years? I CAN NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. Someone, please find the guy who made the HBO documentary on The Jinx and get him behind Mary quickly. My gut says the Cosby family did some shit that made Jens ‘alleged wire fraud look like someone at Whole Foods’ self checkout would call every organic product they bought as bananas because they were the cheapest Product are by weight. That someone is absolutely not me and this code is absolutely not 4011.
Anyway, don’t forget to pack Dramamine and your law degree because in the next episode we’ll finally get this show on the streets. There’s a bomb on the bus, and oh wait, it’s our new favorite friend, the Federal Bureau of Investigation! Will she get a snowflake next season? How many tits will she give in her confessional? And oooh baby, will she bring back receipts that will put Monique’s stewards to shame? I’ll see you next week to find out.
Join the star of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Meredith brands and her son Brooks for a funny little chat at the Vulture Festival on Sunday, November 14th, 2021.
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