‘Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ Season 2, Episode 4
Have you ever thought about judging The Voice? Are you more like Blake Shelton, Miley Cyrus, or Cee-Lo Green in terms of aura? Would you be a quick talking hard ass or goddamn darling if you rated a bunch of wannabes battling for an ugly trophy and 42 seconds of fame? And have you ever thought that even if you are Pharrell Williams yourself, you probably have near zero control of the entire situation because the production has pulled the leash really tight? If so, you’re in luck because this episode features almost entirely a lady named Angie auditioning for Jen Shah’s Snowflake. I know I said last week that I wasn’t expecting anything about “the incidents” for a few more episodes, but it’s hard not to see this as a season three focus group slash contingency plan …
Anyway, back to where we left off, the girls are still at it at Echo Lake. Meredith doesn’t understand why Lisa needs her and Jen so badly for peace, other than making Lisa’s own life easier. It’s also likely because they’re all on a TV show, and this gives her a plot to prop up Barlow-Sponcon’s ever-growing portfolio against. Even so, Lisa understands that Meredith is injured because of Brooks, because when one of the Barlow boys was a kid, someone said he had a big head in a grocery store, and she’s still pissed off about it. I’m still fascinated by the creative way Lisa manages to turn every conversation back to fast food, herself, or both!
Ultimately, Meredith says she needs Jen to admit she did something wrong before apologizing. Jen claims she didn’t do anything wrong and wants someone to “acknowledge the double standards and that she owns her shit and so should Meredith.” Not sure if it is possible to insist that you did nothing wrong while owning your shit at the same time? Especially when you also use phrases like “I didn’t mean it” or “I’m trying to defend my vagina”.
Every housewife fight (and most federal fraud cases) requires you to make a choice. Either you did the thing and are ready with an explanation / apology / pile of regrets OR you didn’t do it at all. That’s it. These are the options. Unfortunately, with her $ 5,000 Louis Vuitton x Limited Too backpack held hostage and her assistant telling her to never apologize (LOL can’t wait for this process), Jen kind of chooses both. She tells Meredith that she is sorry, says she didn’t and also asks to apologize to Brooks. They embrace it and – keyword angel choir – light at the end of the vaginal tunnel.
That Jen Brooks sit-down could have happened four episodes ago, right? While Brooks is Meredith’s child, he’s not necessarily a child in the general sense. Or at least he wasn’t treated as such in the context of the Bravo movie universe last season – kids don’t get confessionals! Most househouses don’t get them! Is Brooks a friend who pops up with everyone else, or a kid who shows up to provide cute comedic relief and promote silly little subplots? I honestly don’t care at this point, but Bravo and Brooks should find out and edit this accordingly. Whiplash is starting to take its toll and there is no way my insurance policy will cover “Chaotic TV Induced Brain Damage”.
Over at Sarajane … oh wait, who is Sarajane, you might ask? I have no idea (just kidding, I spent three hours researching and will post my results when she gets more screen time). But at the moment she’s just a vessel to introduce us to Angie, Lisa’s best friend. Angie is not a normal girl; She’s a cool girl who takes turns cleaning her gallbladder with juice and scrubbing it with Chick-Fil-A twice a day. Do you think you have Angie under control just because of that? Buckle up for a twist because she has a transgender child and is inviting all the other women to a casino event that will benefit an LGBTQ + nonprofit. This includes Whitney, who is (again a twist!) Angie’s distant cousin and someone Lisa doesn’t care if Angie hangs out with her. It’s not that she bitterly calls them inbred polygamist cousins or anything. Totally chill! She does not care! BFFAEAE.
Meanwhile, Robert Jr. is rescued from another recruiting lecture at the local US Army recruiting office when Meredith shows up in a Balmain Texas tuxedo, her cheeks covered in blood from her vampire facial. Meredith and Mary chat about the upcoming casino night – it’s the first time Mary has seen Jen “since New York”. I think it’s great that you can’t say “since we signed up for the three-part reunion special”. Mary says tweeting grandfather husband content shows Jen that she is unpredictable and I disagree! I think Jen is very predictable. Predictable doesn’t mean rest. They can be predictably chaotic. Meredith apologizes to ice fishing and says if there’s more nonsense, she’s “out and done”. Spicy.
One of the best parts of this season, aside from federal crimes, is seeing more than the same three restaurants last season. Valter survived the pandemic (I checked) but Whitney and Angie sneak into La Trattoria Di Francesco to break out the pedigree. They say their great, great, great grandfather, Shadrach Roundy’s name three times, and POOF, Angie’s caterer, are coming back from casino night. The Bravo money may have been good, but Whitney believes Barlow’s threats might have been even better. If Lisa’s fault, Angie will be devastated. I will be amazed, however, because this kind of old-school nonsense is my favorite taste of rich ladies trifle.
Casino charity night is coming, and although everyone’s tits look gorgeous, the caterer saboteur gets the last laugh. What’s the point of borrowing free diamonds at the door when you nibble on individual tortilla chips with exactly four cores of Cowboy Caviar from Trader Joe? Unfortunately, everyone acts according to the form. A Mormon technology CEO donates $ 1 million. Coach Shah and Heather meet at the craps table. Mary talks about the Bible and tries to climb railings. Lisa snubs Whitney. Seth makes a creepy comment on Heather’s breasts. At some point, Jen and Mary even make a little promise to cook a rib with their respective husbands. Everything is so unhinged that it somehow makes sense again.
And then it’s time for a fight. After a quick costume change into a cheeky little Meredith Marks x The Muppets number, Angie confronts Lisa with the catering Snafu and Lisa experiences a complete malfunction. It’s like in Westworld when the hosts are on the verge of consciousness and have an android attack, only that the tears are 100 percent pure VIDA TEQUILA®. Lisa says it’s all unreal and she feels “weird, upset, totally upset,” then brings Jen and Meredith into it. For what? If you want to call a friend to moderate your fight, Jennie is the one. Total amateur lesson. The threshing continues while Angie is more or less shivering and leans against her mountain from husband Chris. Lisa starts berating Chris, who is on the verge of passing out after wearing a three-piece suit under a hot light and snorting that box-fresh vanilla reed diffuser straight from the source. Lisa is heartbroken and begs for John before they storm out together. It’s the worst acting I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen no less than 37 BYOB improv shows. Really extraordinary things!
Anyway, see you next week for a get-together with anyone currently fighting, sex with Meredith Marks, and a very special edition of BOYZ NIGHT OUT.
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