WHAT. A WEEKEND. On the one hand, I’m a bit stunned because I was really excited to whip the Dukes and dive back into the Shahrrest fallout with Cynthia Bailey’s potato salad as a frame device. But on the other hand, I’m just so full of juicy Bravo bites that the mayonnaise bites have to wait. It turned out that the hours we spent sitting through the director’s cut of a VIDA tequila commercial were well worth it. The universe has decided to set up a multimedia buffet. I feel like a 14th century viscountess at a celebratory dinner so opulent that it comes with an elegant little bar bag that can be used between courses to avoid any kind of stomach ache. Delicious!
Before we get into this week’s episode, let’s just note the, um, developments. On Friday (November 19), Stuart Smith, aka Assistant No. changed his testimony is devastating. This is way beyond my expertise (the Detective Procedural University beginning curriculum left a lot to be desired – and my focus on Villainelle’s wardrobe doesn’t exactly help), but I also watch succession. Jen is not Logan Roy. To the best of my knowledge, she simply doesn’t have the money or the political strength to convince Stu to put his cock between his legs, prepare his pushups, and get Tom Wambsgans full for her. You can watch an in-depth conversation between this RHOBH Ronald lawyer and an SLC reporter analyzing a number of possibilities, but my officially unofficial opinion is that apart from some wild twists and turns, Jen is going to be catastrophically fucked.
Back in Vail, where it’s still Shahrrests day and the girls are still sitting at the same table and watch Mary cut the inside of her mouth with a tortilla chip and Lisa dry-eye sobbing over weird nonsense, somehow sobbing The victim of patient zero in Jens is a double life. Barlow goes on to talk about how, after she and Jen discussed Assistant “Bleep” ‘s allegations about assault, Jen sent a series of rude messages about what is a problem because Lisa’s kids were in the car? This is not how texts work. Also, I guess Lisa, Whitney, and Heather got other weird lyrics in which “the slang was a bit bizarre,” meaning Jen is the only person on earth who spells for “bcuz,” she has to be the one be who has threatened her with receipts about her racism. It sounds like this wouldn’t be a problem if you weren’t doing any racist shit at all, so maybe Lisa should be concerned about keeping her side of the street clean. Plus, their notifications – 436 unread messages – are the exact opposite of Mughal behavior. Bring it together, boss babe!
Meredith tells the girls that during the “bcuz” era she hired a private investigator (did you know Meredith has a law degree from the northwest?) Who believes Jen sent the texts. I still don’t understand what this little feud has to do with the federal crimes on the table, but whatever. She then asks everyone to raise their hand if Regina George personally victimized her – I mean Jen Shah – and if they want to be friends with her to move forward. Jennie is embarrassed about beating Jen without the facts behind her back, but she does nothing to stop it, a wise position to take as a freshman. Heather leads a monologue on the importance of friendship, her plans to visit Jen in prison, and how this is Jen’s chance to transform into who she is supposed to be. It feels to me like an over-correction of the moral superiority thing. In the words of Lisa Barlow, “When is it a good friend or just damn stupid?” To all of my friends who read this, When I find out you’ve spent nearly a decade living the lives of older working class workers completely annihilated while treating me like trash at the same time, sorry, but you must find your own mule to smuggle Restylane and Milanos into the slammer for you.
The next morning at breakfast, still high on the dramatic irony of insisting that she knew all along Jen was embroiled in a scandal, Mary strolls in her Old Navy 4. Don’t zap foodborne illnesses. Jennie, Whitney and Heather then strap Whiteclaws into their Gucci belt pouches and go dog sledding to Rancho Escondido with a brother named Austin, who goes by the name “Guy” because there are already seventeen other Austins on the team. Mostly unrelated, but I can’t stop thinking that a small part of why Utah is the best area for scammers is that old folks are more likely to fall for some energetic treasure on the other end of the line called Austin or Zyrtec or Brynlee .
Instead of dog sledding, Lisa and Meredith dig themselves into some fur blankets to sit on the deck and circle around Cameron’s cryptic comments about Mary. Lisa refuses to give up the mess, and Meredith decides to just ask Mary herself when they’ll all be out to cosplay Nancy Kerrigan later in the day. You are on your way and we basically have to forget about this conversation. But Meredith’s conspiracy is like a bill from the time you went to the CVS Minute Clinic seven years ago – you can bet it will show up later.
Back on the bus (yes, the same bus, complete with the book “Would You Again,” scraps from Cheetos Flaming Hot Puffs, and stale touches of trauma bondage) the dog sled ladies talk shit about how Lisa made everything about her and wouldn’t Food. Whitney slanders a quatrain that rhymes “Barlow” with “grief”. I know, I know nobody cares about this family reunion right now, but unless Bravo mixes a few subplots with lower stakes here, we’re going to have a collective breakdown. We can’t just keep the volume on NEFARIOUS SUPERVILLAINS for long periods of time without burning out. On the other hand, we live in America, where this happens top-down every damn day, on much darker stakes, so we can probably deal with it on second thought.
Speaking of the American criminal “justice system” in Salt Lake City, Jen sneaks into her law office to ask about her charges and paperwork, then explains that if she has a mistake, she’s too indulgent. Yes OK. She then tries to say that the call on the bus showed Sharrieff’s phone number, but it wasn’t his voice, and the person on the other end told her to go home, get Omar, and meet Sharrieff at the University of Utah Hospital. Absolutely not. They tell me that if you get a call from your spouse’s number and he’s not on the other end, you won’t immediately ask, “Um, WHO IS THAT?” instead of “Whitney, can you turn off my microphone?” Jen then says that she is still shocked because she worked so hard to get where she is and tried to help so many people along the way and that she doesn’t want to hurt her husband and sons. It’s a little late for that. Side note: It totally sucks that Bravo broadcast the ring cam footage of Jen’s children coming out with their hands up. I can think of at least four ways they could have cut together a dramatic moment, and none of them involve footage of innocent black children by overly armed police officers.
In any case, the ladies in Vail throw on sexy elf costumes for a Bavarian village evening so that Whitney’s Shotski can really shine for a moment. Meredith starts telling everyone about her “dietary s’mores” and I’m glad she is about to spread the good word of McVity’s Digestive Biscuits’ superior performance in campfire conditions, but it turns out that it is diet culture nonsense. Mary can’t hang under any circumstances, and Whitney has ridden the Belvedere luge enough times to bring up the cooking class drama in hopes that Mary will apologize. They go back and forth and Mary finally says she’s glad Whitney isn’t her child before she leaves the hearth.
While Mary is untangling the Chanel belt from her dirndl inside, everyone else is trying to find out whether or not they have another boyfriend in a powerful position who is taking advantage of swaths of innocent people. The girls pressure Lisa to reveal what she knows by reminding her that just 24 hours ago they saw what happens when they collectively ignore instincts / messages / sacrifices under the guise of friendship. Meredith describes the skating confrontation she had earlier in which Mary said, “It’s not who said it, it’s about who believes it” and “What religion or church do you know that people don’t know about Have negative things to say? ” The ladies are all like “fair”. Meredith, no !! Use that JD girl! Ask a few follow-up questions! Ugh, what a wasted opportunity for Ms. Marks to say “terrified AND traumatized” in that mesmerizing, muddy monotone.
However, Meredith is moving her eyebrows for the first time in decades, and Lisa finally has to spit out her friend Cameron GIVING HIS HOUSE MORTGAGE AND MARY 300 GRAND. See you next week to see how Mary reacts to these new details. My money stands on “not good!”
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