Do Mormons Observe Advent? What about Mormons 2.0 or whatever is running on VIDA.0 Barlow? Or how about the Pentecostal Church by Cosby & Closet? Because lately I’ve got the feeling that this TV show is an elaborate Advent calendar. Not the situation of the 99-cent milk chocolate trader Joe, but that of the chic slut Bonne Maman with all the strange combinations of flavors. In every episode, I think I know what’s on the menu, and every time I turn up six hours later as a brand new expert on Vail’s rental market, or mandatory minimums or authenticity features of Gucci tracksuits, or for the sake of that increasingly unsound metaphor, Mirabelle plums. It’s the gift that passes on, even if it’s not necessarily what I wanted.
That explains how, in the middle of the debriefing of the Vail saga in Utah, I passed Lisa’s Whitney impression and Mary asked her grandfather-husband if “It’s a brown girl thing?” and Jennie loses it because of Meredith’s PI-on retainer. Everything was tossed aside so I could spend the next 43 minutes researching Justin Rose’s t-shirt. And phew, it was a wild ride. I don’t have the space (or the time to properly verify the facts) so I encourage all of you to google “Is LifeVantage …” and let the autofill take over from there.
RING RING RING Lisa and Heather are called from unknown numbers. Are you asking someone to turn off their microphones and sneak away? No, acting normal and not guilty of federal crimes, checking the call (Lisa) and asking who it is (Heather). Unsurprisingly (except perhaps lawyers who don’t deal with housewives), it’s Jennifer Shah. Got to see the scenes where Jen is advised to unplug her Bravo contract. You know there are one or five lawyers out there who specifically told Ms. Shah that no, it doesn’t matter if you go to the D-List steakhouse or if the furs are borrowed or if you are “4” brown Bebe-Heels ”wear. or if you cry until your old optic nerves collect dust – filming now is not a good idea! And yet! Heather is the only one who picks up the phone with no questions (ummmm, there should have been questions), so Jen runs over to sip some artichoke dip and chat about her criminal allegations.
Jen gives a detailed breakdown of the arrest, which probably scores only slightly higher than Christine Quinn’s birth story on the reality TV truth meter. Bravo has the boldness to show this damn Omar material all over again and ENOUGH. I don’t know who passed on the Ringcam archives or who are still working on them, but PLEASE STOP. Highlighting the shit of this country’s police system from Jens Black Child’s perspective is not the sympathy slam dunk you think! Absolutely disgusting. Anyway, Jen insists Stu is not her business partner and expects to hear “big fucking ‘I’m sorry, I’m a piece of shit” “from Lisa and Meredith when she is” proven innocent “. OK
Back at the Rose household, Whitney is on some princess and pea shit, except that instead of mattresses, it’s 78 layers of Iris + Beau Swag. It all makes no sense. When you’ve just used up your savings and preparing a million dollar loan for even more rebranding stuff, you need to get the branding right. The time to bring the old brand to sunset and start reinventing Wild Rose was at least six episodes ago. Whitney says she’s really bad with money and Justin is scared because “he’ll be gone” and doesn’t want her to get into trouble. Like death-away or Ponzi scheme-jail-away? Either way, some really ominous things, and for the sake of her kids, I hope Whitney isn’t too close to the sun as a girl boss here.
A short break for a Nice & Neat Homes® infomercial! Mary decides to prove her innocence in the whole cult leader thing by highlighting the extent of her Hoarders den. She says most people have families to bond with, but for the past 20 years she has simply been attached to the beautiful things in her closet. According to Cosby’s logic it is not mo ‘money = mo’ problems, but mo ‘money = mo’ things = bigger heart. I made a promise to myself that I would not quote any contextual scriptures this week, so feel free to include your favorite verse about selflessness or generosity here.
Over at Horse Girl Haven, Lisa and Meredith gallop around and somehow get us to look at the footage from Fresh Wolf again. I’d like to believe this is all part of some elaborate Barlow scheme, but as the girls keep trying to reassure us, Lisa doesn’t have the energy – or the mind – to create this type of cunning. Somehow, Meredith ends up getting tangled up about the fact that there is bad energy in her group dynamic and that it is everyone’s fault, including herself. She is not wrong! The energy is wildly gone. Yes, I could forego Mary’s live tampering tactics and all tastes of police content, but would anyone even watch this show if it weren’t for Bravo’s most bizarre train wreck? Lisa manages to make all the other girls so obsessed with her. It found that anyone in Utah was able to ditch their prescription sleeping pill of their choice to count barlows jumping over the line for Diet Coke Big Gulps. Good for you!
Jennie takes Karlyn to try the Vietnamese tasting menu she plans to break up the conflict between the ladies. I keep my fingers crossed that Jennie will make her paycheck hosting this meal because so far we’ve seen a lot of potential and significantly less turmoil than even Angie and her early-season catering drama nonsense. What an easier time! Jen and Coach sit down too (with Popeyes – have you tried the reformulated mac and cheese !?) Coach looks pained as he manages not to roll his eyes and at the same time convince Jen that his belief isn’t will wear off and he won’t go. Jen says she “doesn’t understand why this is happening”. Will “this” get caught or …
To really double the desolation (triple? As a substitute for the confusion of the audience, Jennie quickly calculates and realizes that (1) everything is still Iris + Beau and Wild Rose nowhere and (2) a bouquet of flowers, a white sheet and a few Local IG influencers $ 20,000. Unless Hyram Yarbro and the ghost of Richard Avedon hide themselves in Whitney’s Pole Room with some free services and a Sephora deal, I’d probably agree that this hyaluron hydration situation is doomed to the same fate as Tru Renewal from Ramona Singer.
Business is doomed, Whitney still brings it up as a general agent of mayhem. She got Cameron’s phone number from Angie Harrington and they spoke for THREE HOURS. Will she tell us what he said? Of course not! Whitney decides to contact Lisa directly because Mary is “bigger and worse than we ever thought” and Lisa is going to … what exactly? She claims it’s about getting everyone in a survivor-style alliance to take on Mary, but what is Whitney’s true endgame here? Lisa’s undying love and appreciation? General justification? An experiment in recruiting some new Huns for the Rose Kingdom?
I don’t know, but I’ll see you at Lisapalooza next week! It looks like Barlow has plans to snap wings with Jen, expose the boogeyman with Whitney, and maybe even ruin her relationship with Meredith. Oh too! Almost forgotten. On Saturday, Jen tried to dismiss her scam case over this Hulu documentary and failed. The clown show continues!
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