‘Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ Season 2, Episode 2
What utter nonsense. This episode was the visual equivalent of strolling into the drugstore of your choice, picking up a bag of Starburst FaveREDS, and opening them at home to discover they are all yellow and orange. And not only that, there is no candy in any package, just Whitney’s disembodied torso pantomiming various acts of sex and saying “vagina” in her “sweenger” accent. While this would normally be a fun little laugh, we were promised the metaphorical red and pink starbursts of federal criminal activity and potential cult internals !! I had to re-watch the first two minutes of last week’s episode to keep my head amid all the vaginal updates in the game.
Side note: this is not a criticism of the word vagina or vagina contents! I’m really impressed that almost all of these women can use the actual word without flinching, instead of like Vah-Jay-Jay or whatever cute false nonsense is popular in Utah’s chaste elite. There is just so much MORE to immerse yourself in beyond the vaginal filler (a medical procedure certainly offered at Beauty Lab + Laser, and if not – Heather, here’s a free idea).
Anyway, we start with my favorite part of every episode: “Drei Clipsicles” (not yet sold under that name, still in the workshop). Here the editors sneak in a few ridiculous appeasers to encourage our collective whistling. How else should we know that Mary’s son is a Yoplait cat but still finds out where he stands on Evian vs. Fiji that Whitney Skinfluencer 101 fails by wearing merch with her brand’s dead name, and that all Big Gulps of the world cannot do that? cure John Barlow’s sadness (remember our reminder: L.ITO = L.ost voIthis TOd husband)? The younger Barlow spawn is also clearly up to something. Nothing says devilish plans like playing with a vat of hair gel while wearing a fresh induction cut.
Over in Park City we get another tour of Barney’s Warehouse 2014, which is operated from the Shah Chalet. Making a first appearance, Stu Chainz voices concerns about Jen’s growing shoe line as if it might be a bit too flashy in terms of funds that it may or may not take away from innocent people. Jen’s nephew Dwayne asks why she has all this stuff and it’s a VALID QUESTION SIR. Dwayne actually lives with Jen after she left him reading for months when he asked for help fetching him and his mother from South Central. She agrees to donate a bunch of unwanted clothes because Ramadan is approaching and she has prayed a lot and thought about the positive things in her life and tries to put the negativity aside. So, of course, FaceTimes Heather to see if they can meet and maybe mend their friendship after Jen compares Heather to Shrek and a manatee. And Jen wonders why she has no friends ?!
Speaking of Jens arch enemies, Meredith is back to her bullshit. And by bullshit, I mean wearing blazers indoors, sipping merlot from mugs, and snuggling to the goatee that Seth dramatically reveals after removing his Lana Del Rey x Donda errand look. They discuss how Jen still likes tweets about Brooks’ sexuality when his trip is none of their business. Seth thinks there might be a misunderstanding, and no, that wasn’t the answer I should give Meredith, my husband. She annoys that retweeting something is as good as saying it and that she will let go of Jen. Meredith promises that it will end up ugly for her, and wow, we have a regular Tiresias on our hands. I am tempted to finish the summary here and examine allegorical precedents from Meredith that may be causing Jens legal problems with this prophecy.
Unfortunately, the show has to go on because Mary Cosby is renovating her home, a project I’m really looking forward to. Sure, contractor cousin Joe might take six years to get the job done, but can you even imagine what this woman is going to do? I’m tempted to say that only big comfy couch kitchens, dog-run living rooms, and the ghost of a 19th-century ballerina can be imagined. Imagine taking “Name One Thing In This Photo” and using an endless vat untaxed church dollars to apply its aesthetic to 20,000 square feet. I’d watch an entire HGTV spin-off, extra credit if there was a Righteous Gemstones-style subplot. Back in “reality,” Mary is now a licensed gynecologist and upset that her son no longer listens to her lessons on vaginal flora and unfishable girlfriends. No additional jokes are required for this one.
Back at Shahlet, we finally get Stewart and Lisa discussing a CBD deal and potential accomplices trapped on film and ONLY KIDDING. Jennie and Lisa come in with “AMERICA I LOVE YOU” courtyard signs and cat carriers full of sewing accessories. Lisa no longer poops, farts, or gives up any other biological waste. All she gets is a small belly growl and a Vida Tequila gift bag comes out. Of course there are some of these in tow too, which is great because it’s time to warm up Vagina-Gate one more time. Lisa tells Jen about Shabbat last week in the hope that Jen will apologize to Meredith. Jen says there would have been no problem if Brooks hadn’t said anything derogatory about her vagina and “just liked funny shit”. Lisa believes they may have healing, but Jen doesn’t apologize again for saying healing. There’s a supercut from Jen who has apologized in the past, and I’m pretty sure those were all excuses for Jen telling people that Meredith cheated on Seth? Either way, for the sheer amount of mirrors everyone’s manse is studded in, self-reflection seems terribly limited!
Lightning fast vagina update round. Heather trades Whitney’s free shopping spree for a gas-up before meeting Jen, saying her beaver hasn’t been knitted in a long time. Jennie explains that while she wants more kids, Duy is tired of doing everything but wiping his ass. Duy even asks nine-year-old Karlyn if she would like a little sibling and she says, “No”. LEGENDARY. I’m with Karlyn (um, and I think, with Jennie’s vagina as a stand-in.) On the other end of the spectrum, Whitney’s vagina doesn’t fill properly. She is clearly experiencing a great deal of cognitive dissonance because her mind is saying, “Babe, I can’t right now, girl bosses just don’t build billion dollar businesses without an equal share of hectic, time, and deception,” and she says to vagina, “Mom is turning into a horny grumpy skin without her required DAILY dose of Justin. ” What do we have to do together so that Esther Perel has a guest appearance at the reunion? At this point, I’ll do it. We need more or less comprehensive interventions.
Finally, it’s time for Jen and Heather to waddle into the final scene of The Shining so they can get their shit out. Overall, Heather is upset that Jen is doing things behind her back, such as what she calls a racist, and wants to know why she “pulled that card in such a charged time”. Heather no! When you show up mature and ready to apologize, you could just apologize for the microaggression incident that hurt your best friend Paint, and then listen to Jen to get this particular problem right, INSTEAD of everything getting weird and that way Acting like Jen walking around with a big scarlet R to record you anytime she pleases.
Regardless, Jen seems to feel heard about the racial dynamics of their friendship. You may have leaked this privately because, against all odds, these two seem to be real friends – hope Heather defended herself! But of course it doesn’t end there, as there are also allegations that Jen calls Heather a marine mammal / Honey Boo Boo. Heather has screenshots of Instagram DMs and Jen is now EXTRA mad because Heather has to trust her and not just have to believe anyone. If Jen claims she didn’t, is she saying Stewart is a Lord of the Chaos in her account? Or that someone else pumps out elaborate Photoshop jobs? Both are more plausible than I’d like to admit, but overall this looks like a real Occam’s Razor of Blue Check insults. Long story short, Heather says she loves Jen and promises to be her friend if she stops the sneaky fat jokes. Jen promises to change her communication and then throws some churros straight into the open fire. A metaphor? You decide.
As a parting present, here are the archives of “Talking Facts of Life with Mary Podcast: Let’s Talk Real. Real facts about life in the real world. ”I choked for four hours and never heard Mary speak, but I will continue to pray to my higher authority that we would shout her screaming praise in a breathless HelloFresh ad at the end of the season can hear.
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